Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional

Why did I write The DBT Workbook for Drug and Alcohol Addiction? Because I wish I’d had it when I was going through my own struggle with addiction.

I couldn't stop myself from self-destructing. I was in serious trouble, and felt that no one could help me, that I was alone. I first got sober in 1976, when I was 19 years old. But then, in 1979, just shy of three years sober, my emotions began to unravel. I put deposits on three separate apartments. My thoughts spiraled out of control and were not coherent with the people around me. People at A.A. suggested I attend more meetings, work another step, or sponsor more people. I understood they meant well and took their suggestions, but I sank deeper into despair. I became more and more depressed. I woke up early every morning, sobbing.

After taking a series of psychological tests, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Manic Depressive Illness (which today is called bipolar disorder.) At first, I was resistant to taking medication because I had heard it said in the rooms of A.A. that taking medication does not qualify as being sober. However, I agreed to accept that medication could help me. The psychiatrist started me on lithium, which helped reduce mania symptoms and alleviate my depression.

Thirty years later, I experienced harassment and bullying in my job. This coincided with my only daughter leaving for college that fall. I fell into deep despair. Soon after, my therapist of seven and a half years told me over the phone, "I am thinking of terminating you."

During my next session, he did. My psychiatrist suggested a new treatment for my depression. Unfortunately, it backfired and triggered my mania. Despite the increased dosage of lithium, I still struggled. Finally, my psychiatrist suggested attending an intensive Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills group. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT, is a skills-based approach comprising four modules. Could DBT help with my intense, painful emotions, including my quality of recovery?

“I became more and more depressed. I woke up early every morning, sobbing.”

I've been working in the psychology and social work fields for over 30 years, and I understand the importance of open discussion about mental health struggles. Unfortunately, there is still a stigma around mental health issues, both in our society and in A.A./N.A.. While the Twelve Steps can help an alcoholic achieve and maintain sobriety, there is little in the A.A./N.A. literature that offers additional tools to alleviate mental distress.

My hope in writing this book is to provide a resource for people in recovery who are struggling with emotional dysregulation. The DBT skills outlined in these pages can help people who suffer from mental health issues and addiction, especially those with depression, anxiety, BPD, PTSD, and complex trauma.

The Twelve-Steps program takes a similar approach to DBT, expressed in the Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

“Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional”

When I first heard the quote, "Pain is Inevitable; Suffering is Optional” in a DBT group, I was really struck by it. I realized that I had been suffering needlessly for years. Pain is a natural part of life, but it's our thoughts and perceptions about the pain that cause suffering. Unfortunate events, problems, and disappointments are like arrows that cause pain. The second arrow may be self-deprecating thoughts, self-blame, or getting down on yourself. The key is: Don't grab the double needle!

DBT saved my life. It helped me understand my emotions, how to cope with them, and how to live in the moment. Learning and applying radical acceptance and DBT skills have changed how I relate to my thoughts and emotions, which has helped reduce my suffering significantly. I am so grateful. Having struggled with depression and mental illness most of my life, I believe acceptance is a form of self-compassion. Before attending the DBT program, I had little self-compassion. I have a photo of myself as a child on my nightstand. When I have unkind or judgmental thoughts about myself (awareness is half the battle), I say loving words to her, and it helps me course correct. Don't believe everything you think!