Navigating the Murky Waters of Situationships
How to spot, survive, or step away from unclear romantic dynamics.
Key points
Situationships lack clarity, often leading to emotional confusion.
They can offer freedom, but may prevent deeper connection and growth.
Honest communication is key—know what you want and ask for it clearly.
Photo by Pexels/Pixabay
In today’s world of dating apps, texting culture, and shifting social norms, many people find themselves in something that feels like a relationship, but isn’t quite one. These undefined connections, commonly known as situationships, have become increasingly common, especially among millennials and Gen Z. But what exactly is a situationship, and why do so many people find themselves in one?
What Is a Situationship?
A situationship is a romantic or sexual relationship that hasn’t been clearly defined. It often involves emotional intimacy, regular communication, and even exclusive behavior, but lacks commitment or a shared understanding of where things are going. As therapist Shena Tubbs notes, situationships are "essentially the space between a committed relationship and something more than a friendship" (Tubbs, 2021).
These connections can initially feel exciting, low-pressure, spontaneous, and free of the labels that sometimes scare people off. But over time, a lack of clarity can breed confusion, insecurity, and emotional pain, especially when one partner desires more stability or commitment than the other is willing to offer.
Why Are Situationships So Common?
Several cultural and psychological factors make situationships appealing:
Fear of Commitment: Many people are wary of committing due to past traumas, busy lives, or the belief that they haven’t found “the one” yet. A situationship provides the benefits of companionship without the perceived constraints of a traditional relationship.
Hookup Culture & Dating Apps: Technology has made dating more accessible and disposable. With many choices, some people hesitate to settle into a monogamous partnership, preferring to “see where things go.”
Ambiguous Communication Norms: Our texting culture makes it easier to remain vague. It’s common to communicate affection, desire, and even jealousy—without ever having a “define the relationship” talk.
Desire for Emotional Connection Without Pressure: Especially for people healing from past relationships or exploring their sexual identity, a situationship can offer emotional intimacy without the expectation of long-term commitment.
The Pros and Cons of Situationships
Pros:
Freedom: For those not ready for a traditional relationship, a situationship can be a way to enjoy intimacy without commitment.
Low Pressure: Without expectations of a future together, both partners may feel more relaxed.
Room for Exploration: Situationships can be a space to learn about one’s needs, boundaries, and emotional triggers.
Cons:
Emotional Uncertainty: Not knowing where you stand can lead to anxiety, jealousy, and confusion.
Unbalanced Expectations: Often, one person starts developing deeper feelings while the other remains emotionally unavailable.
Stalled Growth: A long-term situationship can keep you from seeking a fulfilling relationship that better meets your needs.
Psychologist and author Dr. Ramani Durvasula warns that “situationships often mimic the features of a relationship without any security or commitment. This ambiguity can be emotionally damaging, especially for people who value clarity and consistency” (Durvasula, 2020).
How to Know If You’re in a Situationship
Some signs you might be in a situationship include:
No conversations about the future
Inconsistent communication
Lack of defined labels or relationship terms
Feeling hesitant to ask for more
Having all the emotional or sexual intimacy, but none of the commitment
How to Navigate—or Exit—a Situationship
If you suspect you're in a situationship, the first step is to check in with yourself. Are you okay with the current dynamic? Are you hoping it will evolve into something more? Do you feel emotionally nourished or emotionally depleted?
If you’re unsatisfied, it’s time to have a clear, direct conversation with the other person. It might be uncomfortable, but clarity is a form of kindness to yourself and to them.
Ask questions like:
What are we to each other?
Do we see this going anywhere?
Are we on the same page in terms of needs and expectations?
If they respond with evasion, non-answers, or resistance to define things, that’s a form of information too. As bell hooks once wrote, “When we choose to love we choose to move against fear—against alienation and separation” (hooks, 2000). In situationships, fear often masquerades as casualness. Genuine connection requires honesty, even when it’s hard.
Final Thoughts
Situationships aren’t inherently bad. For some, they serve a purpose for a time. But they can also become emotional traps if we’re not paying attention to what we want. The key is to remain self-aware, communicative, and courageous enough to ask for what you need—or walk away when it isn’t offered.
References:
Tubbs, S. (2021). Situationships: How to Identify and Exit the Relationship Gray Zone. The Love Rehab Podcast.
Durvasula, R. (2020). Don't You Know Who I Am? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
hooks, b. (2000). All About Love: New Visions. William Morrow.
